Oops, I did it again.

October 7, 2009

I’m SOOOO not perfect.  I did the old “sent an email without clipping out the other stuff” routine.  Ugh.  It ticked someone off.  I don’t blame that person.

So, I did what I consider to be the only thing you can do when you screw up.  I called the people involved so I could confess.  But I couldn’t reach the most affected person so I haven’t had a chance to see if I can do anything about it.  And I realized that my confession was more for me than for that other person. I wanted to feel better, and getting it over with feels better.  I still think it’s the right thing to do- go to the person it affects when you screw up- but it turns out it’s not always over as easily as that. 

So, I did what my baby zen practice has taught me to do.  When I find myself feeling badly about it (as I have all day) I remind myself to just be with it.  Yeah, you screwed up again, Meditator Tot.  Sit with it. This isn’t like telling myself “Deal with it”.  That’s a totally different attitude.  That’s more like, “Screw you right back!”  “Sit with it” is not about blame or judgment toward me or anyone else.  It’s about acknowledging and experiencing this real situation.  If the mind goes off on excuses or blame, you bring it back, acknowledge that you were going off in that direction, and bring yourself back to the here and now. 

Which kind of sucks. Honestly. Everyone seems to think a zen practice is supposed to be all cozy and ethereal.  In fact, it’s staying in the here and now which occasionally … I repeat … sucks. 

But by sitting with it, what I realized is that I shouldn’t have written the email that got accidentally attached in the first place.  (I would explain, but I’m not going to since it would only make things worse.  It’s complicated, but I suspect you can understand the gyst what I’m talking about.)  I SO prefer email.  I SO hate the telephone.  But I need to get real and call people and talk voice-to-voice.  That’s a very “be with it” practice.  Better yet would be to go to their houses and talk, but in this world there just isn’t a way to make that happen usually. 

I can think of a situation a few years ago when I did something similar.  In that case I meant it.  I haven’t tried to fix it.  I wonder, sometimes if I should, but another part of my baby zen practice is to give what you can give with a generous heart, and don’t give what you resent giving.  Apparently I’m not ready to fix that situation yet.  In fact, maybe it’s not broken.  Maybe I just need to sit with that.

Sitting some more and trying not to run away,

Meditator Tot

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